To Explain the Stars
by oddsbobs
Summary: At the end of HBP, Remus and Tonks have a much needed conversation. SBRL mentioned, NOT RLNT


Characters/Pairing: Remus, Tonks, SB/RL mentioned (so SLASH, though nothing explicit)  
Disclaimer: If I owned the world of Harry Potter, I would not be stressed out about graduating college. Therefore, none of it's mine.  
Notes: Although I have nothing against Tonks, I'm hesitant about the idea of a relationship between her and Remus. They just don't seem to… _fit_. Anyway, this is what happened when Harry wasn't looking.  
Feedback: Is what keeps me sane.

* * *

It was disconcerting, walking through Hogwarts's empty halls, knowing what had happened that very night. Remus did not want to have this conversation, especially when he should be mourning, but it could not be put off any longer. Hadn't it just gotten out of control in the hospital wing? He clenched his fist. It was one thing to be persistent, but Tonks practically jumped on him in front of everyone while he was still weak from hearing the news. The girl had to work on her tact.

Tonks was currently following him through the halls, a determined look on her face. Her arms were folded across her chest, and her shoulders were slightly hunched in. It reminded Remus eerily enough of Sirius when he was being brought to the Headmaster's office. The memory brought another pang to his heart and he nearly staggered into the wall.

The world was still righting itself after the tumult he experienced in the hospital wing. Two words had sent his mind reeling—two words which he never thought would be spoken together. _Dumbledore's dead._

It wasn't that he was unfamiliar with grief—far from it. Remus had lived to see all of his closest friends perish. He had experienced losing the man he loved not once, but _twice_. Each time, however, he felt the loss differently. When James and Lily had died, he had lived in shock for many weeks. It took years for him to completely mourn their deaths. When Sirius was taken to Azkaban, he was far more intimate with anger than grief. And when he finally lost Sirius permanently, it was as if his soul had been ripped in two. The pain was silently devouring him from the inside.

Dumbledore's death, however, had successfully shaken his control. It was not that he loved the man more than the others. In fact, there were moments that he resented the Headmaster, though he always held him in highest respect. But it was Dumbledore that had held him together through the worst parts of his life. Dumbledore had given him the chance to be normal. Dumbledore had given him advice and comfort. Through all the troubles and sorrows that plagued his life, Remus knew that the old man would still be there for him, the one, unerring constant.

And with two words, that illusion had shattered.

They finally stopped walking by the Great Lake. The air was cooler here and cleared his head. It was also far away from everyone else. He knew they meant well, but they didn't understand anything about him. With more aches in his joints than a man his age should experience, Remus lowered himself to the ground. He patted the grass next to him to signal that Tonks should sit down as well. Warily, she complied. For several minutes, neither spoke.

"Look at the sky, Tonks," Remus finally whispered. She did as he asked, tilting her head back to view as much of the vast expanse as she could. He could see moonlight reflecting in her eyes and fought the urge to shudder. "What do you see?"

"I see the stars, the moon…" she trailed off uncertainly. "If this is about you being a werewolf, then I—"

"Let me speak, please. Without interruptions." Remus rubbed his eyes. He was so tired of this—all of this. Slowly, he stretched himself out, propping himself up with his elbows. It was a clear night—perfect for stargazing—and it did not take him long to find _that _star. Tonks had turned her gaze back onto him, but he continued looking to the sky.

"I can tell you what the stars are made of and how they were formed," he began. "I can tell you the many different mythologies surrounding them, label them individually and as constellations, tell you the meaning of those names." He chuckled slightly. "To an extent, I could even explain their positions in Divination."

"What does this—"

"Listen, please." Remus began twirling a blade of grass between his fingers. "The one thing I cannot tell you is what I really see—what I feel when I look at them, what they mean to me, or how beautiful I think they are. Imagine trying to describe them to a blind man. What would you say?"

Tonks remained silent.

"There are the facts, and there are the truths. Mankind is only adept at conveying the facts; the truths are hidden deep inside us. The fact is that those are stars. The truth is something far greater." He shifted his position so that he was facing her. For the first time since leaving the hospital wing, Remus made direct eye contact. "It can't work between us. I've explained it to you many times, in many ways. I tried to be polite, I tried to be reasonable, but you are not listening to me."

"I did listen, Remus! And I don't think any of your reasons are acceptable excuses."

"What I said in the hospital wing? It's true."

"No, it's not," she said stubbornly. "So you're a bit older than I am. There have been wizards and witches with far greater age gaps. Too poor? I don't give one whit about money. I'm not expecting you to provide for me." Remus tried to interrupt her, but Tonks would not have it. "And too dangerous? There are precautions we can take—that you've beentaking. Sometimes _I'm _dangerous by sheer clumsiness. I've dealt with _rabbits _more hazardous than you."

He inhaled sharply. Almost immediately, Tonks covered her mouth with her hands. She overstepped a boundary, and she knew it. Remus wanted to walk away right then. Being a werewolf had affected every part of his life for as long as he could remember. The pain, the suffering, the humiliation. It was not something that could be shrugged away. No one could make light of it; only a select few had earned that right. James and Sirius—and now Dumbledore—were gone. _Gone_, Remus thought. Only Harry remained. The emptiness inside him grew further.

Tonks was tense, waiting for him to snap at her. But he wouldn't—he never did. Instead, he shakily pushed his hair back and looked out over the lake. They sat in silence for several more minutes before he spoke up again. "When I said I was too old, I meant it in more than the physical sense. I have seen and been through such pain and despair—things I pray you will never witness even in your wildest nightmares. It feels like lifetime ago that I can even remember being truly happy."

There was no bitterness or anger in his voice—just emptiness. That, more than anything, finally grabbed Tonks's attention. She made as if to touch his shoulder, but withdrew at the look in his eyes.

"There is nothing I have left to offer you, Tonks. No money, no shelter. And my heart—" his voice cracked. "I gave my heart away to someone a long time ago. That is why I'm dangerous; I'll only hurt you in the end. And I couldn't—I couldn't stand knowing that you were in pain, and I caused it. So you see, I meant it when I said that you deserve someone young and whole. I am half of what I once was, I'm nothing but a broken old man."

"But you aren't broken, Remus! Why won't you see that? People get hurt, but they can _heal_. That is what allows us to survive and find happiness."

"You forget that some wounds run deeper than the heart can reach, and sometimes, when something has been broken far too many times, even the strongest _Reparo_ cannot fix it."

The only sound that broke the night was the distant splashing of the Giant Squid on the far shore. Remus recalled a night like this from many years ago. It was a different person declaring their love for him then, and Remus had yet to understand the pain of a broken heart. He would trade a thousand lifetimes and a million stars for one more minute just like that one, for one more look into beloved eyes.

A hand lightly touched his knee, bringing him back to the present with the sharp ache of loneliness. "Do you really think yourself so incapable of trying to love again? I just—I don't understand."

"And that is the point of this conversation, Tonks. I could never tell you the exact whys behind my decision, and you must accept that. I could no sooner explain the stars."

Tonks rose with more grace than he had ever seen her display and walked silently back to the castle. There was nothing more he could say, he knew. Tomorrow there might be more advances to turn away, more arguments to resist, but for tonight there was peace. He hoped that some part of her understood how much he wished things were different. However, every breath he drew was another weighted step away from the ones he loved most, and every beat of his heart echoed with cries of _Sirius… Sirius_… The cold night wind cut deep into his bones as the stars were blurred by tears that would never fall. He closed his eyes and the dark, deep pulses of mourning that swept through Hogwarts were woven into the rhythm of universal longing that permeated beneath his skin.

_Sirius…

* * *

_

The halls of Hogwarts were unusually quiet, despite the increase in people visiting its halls. Most of the Order members were the first to linger about the Great Hall, unwilling to face the finality of a funeral but determined to honor the man they all looked to for guidance. It was still quite early in the day, so most of the students were still in their dormitories. Remus watched by the doors as wearied, drawn-out Order members cautiously greeted the pale, clean-cut Ministry officials and other dignitaries. He jumped at a touch on his shoulder.

"I would ask how you're doing, but it's pretty obvious how everyone feels." Tonks was shifting nervously from foot to foot, her hands clasped in front of her.

"Yes," Remus responded, looking back at the crowd. "It is always depressing how tragedy is what brings people together."

"It won't last long." Tonks ran her hand through her hair. "Listen, I did a lot of thinking, and Merlin knows it's kinda inappropriate of me to bring this up here, but I wanted to apologize."

Remus gave her a confused look. He had not been expecting an apology.

"I suppose—well, I suppose that I got a little ahead of myself. It's just, everyone was going on about how awful war gets, and how you have to live each day like it's your last…"

"And you got caught up in it." He smiled gently at her.

She sighed in relief. "Yeah. I mean, I still really like you. But I think, maybe, I was putting the cart before the horse and all. And it's not like—it's not like I won't find someone else." Her face was downcast as she shuffled her feet. "I just—I don't know…"

"I have a shoulder to cry on, and a friendly ear to talk to, if you need it." Remus gave her a strained smile. "Merlin knows we all need friends at a time like this."

Her eyes were wide and grateful. Hesitantly she took his hand, and smiled when he did not let go.

"Shall we?" The hall was emptying out into the grounds.

A tinge of pink was returning to her hair. "Yeah. Thanks."


End file.
